How to survive being forced to stay at home with children, and even combine it with remote work? Parents share life hacks on social networks on how to keep their children occupied during quarantine, and meanwhile children, feeling the growing tension and anxiety of adults, are increasingly throwing tantrums. How to deal with them right now – and what to do for the future?

Help your child express feelings

Name feelings. This is probably the basis for all other options. Hysteria is when you can't control your feelings. Therefore, by naming the child’s feelings, we make them smaller, give them a “name,” and therefore set boundaries. "You're angry. You offended. You’re sad,” and now the child already feels supported.

“Is this a small problem, a medium problem, or a big problem?” Just one question really helped me show my daughter that there are things that are easy to fix and not worth worrying too much about. There are things that require help or patience, and there are things that are sometimes impossible to cope with, but they can be overcome. The child's psyche is very plastic, and sometimes it is much easier for children to cope with disappointment than for adults.

“How angry are you?” This question gives the child the opportunity to express his feelings in physical form, and therefore release them.

“If I had a magic wand...” Sometimes it is important for children to feel that their desires are valuable and important for their mother and that it all depends on external circumstances. “If I could conjure soup right now, you and I would walk again and again, but I don’t have a magic wand, I’ll have to go home and cook it. Who do you think has magic wands? The kid gets distracted and goes home. Although not always, of course!

“What does your anger feel like?” Another variation of expressing your “huge” feelings on a human scale. “Is your anger like a hurricane? Noooo? Maybe a small bird that squeaks? Also no-no? Or maybe on a draco-o-she?! Three-headed!”

Tell about yourself. A good way for older children is to tell them how you were little and how hurt you were too when this happened. For example, “you know, when I was also three years old, my mother always took me away from the playground, but I wanted so much, I wanted so much to play more. And I also sat down and cried. It’s a shame, isn’t it?”

We, firstly, show the child his emotions, secondly, we say that we understand them, and, thirdly, we divide all this emotional burden into two.

Record complaints. In fact, the biggest challenge is dealing with a child's tantrum. Many people know about containment - a mother’s ability to “contain” children’s emotions. So, if the container is full and you feel that you are starting to get wound up, there is a way: bring a piece of paper with a pen and tell yourself that you will not absorb the child’s feelings now, but put them on the sheet.

- Why are you crying? It's a shame?

- Yeees…

- Okay, let’s write it down: it’s offensive.

Talk honestly. There are many ways to calm young children, but it is worth recognizing that older ones have tantrums too. And then, of course, it is important to honestly find out the reasons for the hysteria. And not reasons, but reasons. For example, the fact that a child does not want to get up early for school can only be a reason, and the reason will be that classmates are calling them names. Or vice versa.

Physical ways to calm a tantrum

Ask the child to scream as loud as possible. That's a good way to go, as long as it doesn't sound like, "Oh, come on! Yell even louder, no one can hear!” You need to competently say something like: “I think you’re not showing all the offense. Give it all! Let’s shout louder how unhappy we really are!” Quite a way to release emotions.

Toot your horn. One way to share a child's emotions is to enter into sound resonance. Humming or making an “a-a-a” sound in time with the baby’s cry. Only the sound should be lower, calmer and quieter. And then after a while the child will adjust and calm down.

Beat things. Reality is where your body is. If a child is very angry, then expressing it physically means letting it out. It even works for you and me!

Tear the paper. For younger children, this method is simply distracting, while for older children it may be offered as an option for how to vent anger.

Games with sand or plasticine. Games with pleasant tactile sensations are also great helpers for mothers. Moreover, this idea is good for both one-year-old children and thirty-year-old aunties. You bake some Easter cakes, stretch your hands, and the anger and resentment have already gone somewhere.

Bathe. A particularly pleasant method for summer or before bed. Bathing perfectly relieves nervous tension and distracts, and while the child is busy playing in the water, the mother can exhale and also calm down.

Get a massage. A very pleasant and gentle way to return a child’s attention from emotions back to the body.

Dance. Another great bodily way to cope with feelings. You can invite your child to dance, pick him up, spin him around, or just dance next to him.

Changing clothes. Girls especially love this. Sometimes you have to clean up for a long time after you give your daughter the opportunity to choose her own clothes from the closet and try on everything she wants, but the child’s pleasure is guaranteed. Of course, this does not work in case of severe hysteria. This method is more likely for prolonged whining, “not wanting” and refusing to obey.

Face painting. Children love makeup! Girls love to paint their lips, and boys can be encouraged to “transform” into some animal. It is not necessary to have special paints; your mother’s cosmetic bag or natural “paints” such as sour cream, turmeric or anything else that is in the refrigerator will do. But one rule: you won’t be able to apply makeup if there are tears!

Fragrances. Another way to “switch” the senses is to let your child smell something with a strong smell. "Oh! What is this smell? I think it smells like cheese! Did you hide the cheese somewhere? Or maybe dad left it somewhere? Let's take a sniff..."

Embrace. They say that a person just needs four hugs a day to be healthy. Eight is for peace of mind. Sixteen is for happiness. It may not be 100% proven, but it is incredibly pleasant and does not cause any harm to the body or relationships.

Ask your brother or sister for help. Two people who love you, pet you and hug you are always better than one. And if you have a large family, hugs may be too much.

Give breast. A simple, like all ingenious, method from our subscriber: “For a child on breastfeeding (that is, breastfeeding), you don’t have to come up with anything at all. Almost any tantrum can be stopped by simply giving the baby the breast.”

And here we want to reassure those parents who are worried that in this way they are forming a connection in the child between calmness and food. There is no evidence for this myth. But the fact that breastfeeding for a child is not only about food, but very much about the connection with the mother is obvious to everyone. The breast is even called the second umbilical cord, so you can rest assured about that.

Eat. This option is not here as a way to “seize” unpleasant emotions. This is about the fact that not all children can not always hear the small signals of their body. They may be hungry, and because of this they are tired, and because of this they are too nervous to react to everything. They themselves cannot understand this. So if a child is fussy, it’s worth assessing whether he ate well the last time and how long ago it was.

How to stop a child over 3 years old from being naughty

The next stage begins when you and your child, as they say, “go out into the world”: you go to a store where there are toys and sweets, or to visit where a cat is peacefully dozing, which, of course, needs to be woken up and urgently petted. The optimal option would be not to take the child into public places at all with some freedom of action before he begins to speak coherently and understand at least the simplest abstractions. That is why most child psychologists and pediatricians recommend sending a child to kindergarten no earlier than 3 years old.

If a child wants a toy, and you don’t have money for it, it will be difficult for you to explain to him such concepts as “money” and why you don’t have it. If the cat is peacefully dozing, you will also have to explain rather abstract things. For example, that neither people nor cats should be disturbed from sleeping.

If you simply forbid a child to touch something with his hands or say “I’ll buy it, but later,” this often leads to the same hysterics with screams, falling on the floor and kicking his legs. If such whims take you by surprise, simply take the child away from a crowded place or guests: deprived of spectators, children usually stop the hysteria quickly enough. When the child calms down, explain to him that adults do not behave this way, and he will not achieve anything this way.

It is better if parents teach their children to voice their requests in advance and tell them in what cases these requests will be fulfilled. In other words, children should have a real alternative on how to get what they want. And the understanding that they will not achieve anything by whims and hysterics. This pattern can be explained directly to a child: if you scream and cry, you will not get what you ask for.

Another group of whims is associated with the simplest household responsibilities, which, of course, every growing child should have: putting away toys, making the bed, dressing independently. These demands also often lead to resistance and whims, and here it is important to separate two points: are whims related to the fact that the child does not yet know how to do something, or in this way he demonstrates character and fights for independence.

If something doesn’t work out, the baby needs to be helped, but not done for him: help make the bed, put a T-shirt over his head, fasten the buttons on a shirt, and so on. If the whim is due to stubbornness, you will have to spend time explaining that he must take care of himself: dress himself, like adults do, keep the room in order himself, like mom and dad keep order in the kitchen, living room, etc. You can use a trick and try to arrange a quest game: find all the things that are out of place and return them to their place. Or practice a nightly ritual: put the toys to bed, and only then go to bed yourself.

In principle, physically and mentally healthy children usually stop demonstrative hysterics and violent whims intended for the public closer to school age on their own, even if you were not able to take control of the situation right away. However, here the whims of a different plan begin: I don’t want to go to school, I don’t want to learn lessons, I don’t want to go to training or to music school, this is my room, so I don’t want to and I don’t clean it.

There is only one way out: constant dialogue and building trusting relationships. Otherwise, you will never know the true causes of whims, which means you will not be able to fight them. If a child says that he doesn’t want to go to school because something hurts, then first leave him at home and call a doctor, and only then suspect deception if the doctor does not find any abnormalities in his health.

Be sure to try to get to the true cause of the whims. Agree, there is a difference whether a child does not want to go to school because he is not good at math, or because the teacher is yelling at him, or because his elders are offending him. It's already very close to depression. And never scold your child, even if it turns out that he himself provoked the conflict with other children or, for example, did not listen to the lesson, and therefore is now behind in some subject. Always look for a way out, essentially and together with the child, ensure that he trusts you, now and in the future.

This approach will help you out in adolescence, when the struggle for independence flares up with renewed vigor, and independence is not always confirmed by civilized methods: smoking, alcohol, absenteeism from school, etc. If there is a trusting relationship, the child is more likely to listen to you and understand that smoking is no longer fashionable, but it is fashionable not to smoke and lead a healthy lifestyle.

It is possible that you will have to be patient and explain that he needs good academic performance and a certificate, and not you or the teacher, because you and the teacher already have a certificate. That being stupid and poorly educated is not at all cool, because truly cool businessmen have two higher educations, and this has long been the norm. That it will be easier to marry a rich man if you enter a prestigious university where boys from wealthy families study. In any case, your position should be reasoned and understandable to the child, taking into account his current level of development.

Top 7 effective ways to wean older children from whims:

1. Learn to express your thoughts and requests in a civilized way.
2. Do not indulge whims and hysterics.
3. Help in mastering everyday skills and school subjects, but do not do anything in place of the child.
4. Use playful methods of interaction.
5. Maintain constant dialogue and build trusting relationships.
6. Give reasons for your position.
7. Refuse totalitarian pressure.

Let us clarify that we advocate the rejection of totalitarian pressure not so much for humanistic reasons, but because of its harm and uselessness. If your demands are not clear to your child, he will look for ways to evade them. Essentially, this is the same whim, but expressed not by screaming or crying, but by action. If you don’t have a dialogue, but only prohibitions and punishments, whims will give way to apathy and acquired helplessness syndrome, since the child will not see the point in asking you for anything or mastering anything. In general, communication needs to be learned, and you, as an adult, first of all.

And in conclusion, about one more capricious misfortune that befalls especially conscientious parents, who with all their might want to raise their children to be a well-rounded personality and, of course, know better than the children what is needed for this. Very often, after sending their children to sports, English, music, theater and drawing, parents receive whims in the form of their children’s reluctance to go there.

Let's say this: the child is not made of iron, and can simply get tired from excess loads. Let's look further: if you want your child to achieve some success, then after school he should do what he likes and where he can at least do something, otherwise there will be no motivation. And finally, if you want all your efforts to go to waste, you must provide time in the daily routine that the child will manage at his own discretion. Otherwise, you will get an infantile “vegetable” for whom others will always decide, and who will not learn to make a choice, analyze the situation and understand what he wants.

And it is absolutely unacceptable to compensate for your childhood desires and complexes at the expense of a child: if you once wanted to play the piano or football, the child is not obliged to want the same thing. Therefore, leave the child alone and sign up for courses, music, an amateur sports team and take care of yourself. By the way, one’s own self-sufficiency often helps to establish contact with a child better than all the advice of psychologists combined. Therefore, good luck to you, love and mutual understanding in the family!

We also recommend reading:

• Storytelling
• How to deal with children's tantrums
• Masaru Ibuka “After three it’s too late” - summary
• How to get your child interested in reading?
• Factors in a child’s intellectual development
• How to improve your child's attention
• Oscar Breniffier. Book series "Let's Discuss"
• Glenn Doman “Harmonious development of the child” - summary
• How to teach a child to read quickly and correctly
• How to teach a child to pronounce the sound “R”
• How to protect your child from smoking

Keywords:1Children, 1Communications