Many parents, when sending their child to kindergarten, are eventually faced with his categorical refusal to attend preschool. For some, this manifests itself literally after the first visit, for others, they begin to throw tantrums in the morning, successfully recovering for two or three months. What should parents do if they are faced with the obvious reluctance of their beloved child to go to kindergarten?
Reasons why a child does not want to go to kindergarten
If a child refuses to go to kindergarten, the recommendations of psychologists boil down to mandatory clarification of the reasons why the child behaves this way. Children always behave expediently, it’s just that adults cannot understand what they want to say and what they want to achieve with their whims. It seems to an adult that the little one is just acting weird, but any behavior uncharacteristic for a baby should be treated with attention. And if he cries and throws tantrums while getting ready for kindergarten, you need to find out what the reasons for this behavior are.
Possible reasons why a child does not want to attend kindergarten:
- a sharp change in the established regime and rhythm of life. Children are distinguished by conservatism and a change in lifestyle, strangers, as well as the absence of their mother, who was always there before, unsettles them. If before the baby knew what event would follow next, now everything is different. It is necessary to obey new, incomprehensible rules, learn how to behave in a group, play with toys together, etc. The teacher is perceived as a stranger in whom the child does not trust. She will curb a nimble, overly active child, and try to draw a child who is calm or modest in character into active play. As a result, both will remain dissatisfied and in the morning they will protest to go to this aunt again;
- a different living environment from home. Tasteless or unusual food, an uncomfortable spoon, a cold pot, a heavy blanket, noise in a group, a lot of children, cartoons before bedtime - there are a lot of factors that can cause rejection of the kindergarten. Adaptation to new social conditions in children is quite painful; tears in kindergarten cannot be attributed to whims. Parents, with the help of a teacher, should find out what exactly causes discomfort in the baby and try to solve the problem as much as possible;
- teacher's rejection. If the child doesn’t like the teacher on the first day, this is a serious problem. Active, noisy children often have conflicts with the teacher, since it is more convenient to rein in the naughty child than to give him enough attention. In addition, there may be several such children in a group at once, and their excessive activity can lead to conflict. The teacher simply does not have enough time to understand the essence of the conflict; it is easier to put the instigator in a corner. Often, educators force-feed children with a spoon, citing the fact that a hungry child will be capricious;
- I can’t join the children’s team. Even if a trusting relationship has been established with the teacher, and the child likes her, there are situations when the child is unable to fit into the team and prefers to keep to himself. Each child's need to communicate with peers is different. Perhaps the baby is simply tired of children constantly surrounding him. But, if after six months of visiting the kindergarten, he still has not become close to his comrades in the group, preferring loneliness to company, this is an alarming sign. It is worth consulting with a psychologist; perhaps the baby has mental disorders.
If parents themselves cannot figure out the reasons for their child’s refusal to go to kindergarten, they should definitely consult with a specialist. Otherwise, a child who, for one reason or another, has not removed his childhood fear, will grow up to be an insecure person with a lot of fears and psychological pressures. Then it is necessary to contact a specialist, such as psychologist-hypnologist Nikita Valerievich Baturin.
A constructive dialogue with the baby will help parents determine the reason for their reluctance to go to nursery. On the way home, you need to ask what you liked most today and what you didn’t like. At home, while playing “kindergarten,” simulate various situations and carefully observe the baby’s reaction to one or another event. This will help you find out what causes a negative attitude towards the kindergarten.
If the child does not want to go to kindergarten. consultation on the topic
If the child does not want to go to kindergarten. Practical advice for parents
“I don’t want to go to kindergarten! I won’t go-oo-oo!” You now hear these heartbreaking screams every morning. Sometimes the screams are supplemented by plaintive moans about the fact that the precious child has a stomach ache, a headache, and is generally sick of the garden. Literally and figuratively. And in more severe cases, the child’s temperature actually rises, abdominal pain appears and chronic diseases worsen.
What to do in such a situation? First, figure out why your baby won’t agree to join the children’s group at any price. And there may be several reasons for this.
Lifestyle change
Children are the greatest conservatives in the world. It is only at first glance that it seems that they are constantly striving for new adventures and impressions. In fact, the usual rhythm, when they know exactly how one event replaces another, is order and calm in their lives. And here - in the morning, your mother takes you to an unfamiliar aunt, where, besides you, your beloved, there are a lot of other children, she leaves you there to fend for themselves and it is unknown whether you will ever see her again. In the garden, everything is alien – and, probably, that’s why it’s hostile.
Exit
Gradually accustom your baby to a change in routine. If he is used to going to bed late and getting up late, you will have to carefully transfer the baby to an earlier rise. This is not scary at all; the regime change occurs within 3-4 days. When your lifestyle changes dramatically, it is important to preserve a “piece of home” for your child. The best option is if you can agree with the head and teacher that you can be present in the group with your child during the first week.
By the way, in many kindergartens such agreements are practiced on a completely official basis, and in Waldorf kindergartens the teachers themselves persistently ask the mother to be in the group with the child for at least ten days.
If for some reason this is not possible, think about some pleasant little thing that will remind your baby of home. This could be a soft toy (it’s so nice to fall asleep with it!), familiar food in a small container (preferably not very dirty - a carrot or an apple will do). Or you might want to make a good luck charm for your baby - for example, a small flat toy that you can always carry in a pocket or on a lanyard. When her little owner is sad, let him remember the “magic talisman”, and it will certainly help to cope with gloomy thoughts.
Unusual food
Remember your childhood - probably in your kindergarten there was some special “masterpiece” of local chefs that gave you not the most pleasant feelings. The notorious milk foam, jelly, milk porridge or onion soup - everyone has their own memories. Sometimes educators try too zealously to feed their charges, demanding that they eat every last crumb, at a fast pace - this is also not something everyone can do.
Exit
If your baby flatly refuses to eat in kindergarten, agree with the teachers so that they do not insist on this process. After all, no child has ever voluntarily died of starvation. At home, in front of the garden, it is quite possible to do without breakfast - there is a greater chance that by the time breakfast in the kindergarten the baby will have time to get hungry and want to try something from the common table.
If, according to gardening rules, a child is allowed to take some food from home, then let it be beautifully cut fruits (apples, pears), vegetables (cucumber or carrots), and a banana will do. Try not to give your child sweets like candy or cookies; these delicacies, of course, can comfort you at first, but will cause an unhealthy stir in the group and completely ruin your appetite.
Unloved teacher
This is a serious problem, and ideally it would be good to solve it before the child enters kindergarten. It’s not for nothing that psychologists recommend that before placing a child in a particular institution, be sure to get acquainted not only with the head and the set of toys in the group, but also (which is much more important!) with the future teacher. She will be the one who will spend most of the time with your child. Sometimes it happens that children literally fly at full speed to one teacher, but don’t even want to approach another, they huddle close to their mother.
Exit
First, find out why your baby doesn’t like the teacher. This is not so easy to do, because not always a small child can talk about his impressions and experiences. But special games will come to your aid. In the evening, in a calm environment, play with your child in kindergarten with a set of plush animals or plastic men. You will learn a lot of interesting details for yourself! Let the child choose a role for himself - whether he will play for himself, for his “classmate” or for that same teacher.
When you understand the meaning of the conflict, try discussing it with your teacher. If after this no positive changes occur (the teacher mistreats the child, does not hear him, allows other children to tease and offend your child), then the situation, alas, is a dead end. You will have to think about changing kindergarten or group. Moreover, in this case it is preferable to change the kindergarten than the group, since in any team there is a certain corporate ethics - including in the kindergarten.
A stranger among his own
Sometimes it happens that a child, for some reason, does not fit into the children's group, continuing to keep to himself. This may be an individual characteristic - each child simply has different needs for communication, some need to communicate more, others need to get by with a minimum of “business connections”. But if your child has not found his niche in the children’s group for a year, and has spent all this time as if “behind a glass wall,” only observing the child’s life, you should contact a psychologist.
Exit
If it is difficult for a child to make friends with peers, you will have to, as always, take matters into your own hands. Try to gradually expand your social circle (both yours and your children’s). Observe which of your child's classmates is the most attractive to you, and try to make friends with his parents. Invite them to visit more often. Perhaps, at first, you will have to actively participate in their games so that your “savage” can gradually join them himself.
Another important moment of the transition period is to accustom the baby to the idea that it is not always only with his mother that he can be comfortable and interesting. Ask your dad or grandma to come up with an exciting game with your child in your absence. A good option is an early development studio, where children gradually join the children's team without losing touch with their mother. Other children and their games should be, from your point of view, a very attractive and enjoyable activity. Draw your child’s attention to how fun and interesting the children are together, how well they play. Sing, dance with your child, and get charged with positive emotions!
What not to do
Give in to persuasion and provocation. If, despite all the children's moans and pitiful lamentations, you still brought your child to the doors of the kindergarten, but at the last moment your parental heart could not stand it and you turned back with your child - this is a very dangerous path. The baby will understand that with tears and screaming he can achieve what he wants, and next time he will only have to slightly increase the volume and intensity of the crying.
Take your child to kindergarten every other day or a couple of times a week. In order for kindergarten to become an inevitable reality, the baby must appear there every day (of course, except for weekends). It's better to take him out of there early at first. It's okay if you don't leave him there for a nap during the first weeks or even months. Only when the child has fully adapted to the new living conditions, try to pick him up after his nap.
You yourself are afraid of separation from your child. Children are unusually sensitive. At some subconscious level, all our emotions are transmitted to them - both anxiety and calmness. A heartbreaking scene of tears in the locker room is not the best way to start your baby's day. Let your child go with the confidence that he will be okay.
How to relieve stress in a child after a day in kindergarten?
The most common source of tension is publicity, the presence of a large number of strangers around. Therefore, it is good if after a day in kindergarten the child has the opportunity to retire, to be in a separate room, behind a screen, in a doll corner, etc.
There is no need to ask him too intrusively about what happened - he will remember and tell him himself when he has rested.
The child may also miss his parents - so you should not, after bringing him home, immediately rush to do household chores. Let him sit on an adult’s lap, let him relax from the touches. Take some time to be alone with him, read or play. Try not to rush too much when taking your child home - a small circle around the surrounding yards will allow him to switch to evening mode and adjust from kindergarten to home environment. It will be better if you do not accompany this with a conversation with any of your friends or parents of other children - as a rule, children really appreciate walks together.
If a child has additional classes to attend, then it should be borne in mind that sports are more likely to contribute to overexcitation, and activities in a calm rhythm such as needlework, modeling and other manual labor are relaxing. Music school is also a big burden for a child prone to overexcitement.
And it is best to observe your own child - what he instinctively strives for when returning home (be it music, pets, an aquarium, a brother or sister, books) - this is for him a source of spontaneous psychotherapy.
How to help adapt: advice from a psychologist
As soon as the parents started taking the baby to the nursery, they should do their best to help him adapt so that the adaptation period does not drag on. Children react differently to lifestyle changes; this directly depends on their character and temperament. Extroverts get used to the changes associated with kindergarten more easily and quickly than introverts, for whom adaptation can take six months or more.
At 3 years old, a child does not want to go to kindergarten, advice from a psychologist on what parents should do so that the baby adapts faster:
- You must not give in to screams and hysterics, and having already arrived in the garden, turn around at the very door and lead the baby back home;
- do not drag out the farewell scene, otherwise the hysteria threatens to drag on for a long time. Before leaving, the mother should say that she will definitely return, so that the baby does not think that he is being abandoned;
- if at first the baby cries a lot after his mother leaves, it is very difficult for him to part with her, it is worth trying for grandma or dad to take the baby to the garden;
- play “kindergarten” with your baby at home, using toys to come up with positive situations. You can give one of the toys with you so that the baby sleeps with it or simply stores it in his locker;
- You should not take breaks from visits without objective reasons (for example, illness), this is guaranteed to prolong the adaptation period;
- in the presence of the baby, do not speak negatively about the behavior of other children or the teacher. On the contrary, to say that the children in the group are all good, and that the teacher loves them;
- at home, protect your baby’s nervous system from overload as much as possible. The baby already gets a big surge of emotions in the garden, so instead of cartoons, it’s better to read a book together or play with construction sets.
The correct daily routine also plays a significant role. If a child is used to going to bed late, he will not get enough sleep in the morning. Children under 7 years of age should sleep at least 10 hours at night, so bedtime should be no later than 21.00. A baby who has had a good night's rest will not be so sensitive to his mother's departure. And so that he does not see the reaction of his comrades to parting with his mother, you can try to bring him a little later, when there is already fun in the nursery.
During the adaptation period, you need to pay more attention to the baby, giving him your love and affection. It is important to explain why it is necessary to visit the garden so that he does not think that this is a punishment.
The child does not eat in kindergarten
As promised in the newsletter, I am publishing the answer. One day a question came from our blog subscriber and reader:
Tatiana, special thank you so much!!! I read your article and have been using your advice for several days now. And there is progress!!!! We've been without a blender for three days now! But! He only eats pasta + sausage, dumplings, and has not given up pancakes with meat. How to accustom him to soup, mashed potatoes, cutlets (what is more healthy, because he himself categorically refuses to even try it) I previously fed him this, but in crushed form, with cartoons.
We went to the garden and because of this, we were hungry all day. in the garden he only eats bread, cookies or crackers, if given. He also drinks compote and jelly. Refuses to eat with children. he goes to the garden with pleasure, but as soon as before the garden I try to agree with him that he will eat in the garden today “for a reward”, he refuses to go straight to the garden ((((and so hungry all day (
Catherine.
The main difficulty for children whose feeding is based on distractions (books, cartoons, tablets, theatrical performances by grandparents) is that they are used to eating food without realizing WHAT is in front of them . The consciousness of such children is focused on the entertainment component, which greatly reduces the child’s natural appetite and suppresses his natural curiosity about new food. But when there is no interest, there is no motivation to try something new, even the most healthy and tasty one. This is “uncharted territory” for a child. Which means it’s dangerous, it’s better to avoid it.
Another difficulty is that normal eating behavior is not formed. Mom calls to the table, but the child does not feel hungry... Or everyone sat down at the table, and the child, unlike the actively chewing adults, sluggishly picks at his plate and passively waits for the mother’s spoon to reach his mouth.
When the time comes to send such a child to kindergarten, parents believe that he will see how his group is actively eating and will be drawn in this direction. They say that herd behavior and the imitative component have not been canceled... Yes! But this doesn't always happen. Most often, exactly as Catherine’s mother described the situation above.
What to do? How to establish normal eating behavior?
This path is not really fast. Requires patience and attention to the child. We need to formulate correct eating behavior in the child, a healthy sense of appetite, satisfaction from the food he eats, and care for the gastrointestinal tract. Here is a short list of steps:
1) Refuse the entertainment component, anything that can distract the child from the plate. 2) Review the child’s diet and routine. Very often it turns out that in the intervals between main meals the child actively bites. The result is simple - he is not hungry enough to eat the offered dish with appetite. Or parents give him such portions that an adult himself can hardly cope with. The volume of food must correspond to the needs of the child’s body and be equivalent to the energy expended. 3) Assess whether the child is active enough? Does he have regular walks in the fresh air with outdoor games? With little activity, metabolism decreases and appetite is difficult to form. 4) Depending on the child’s age switch from homogeneous to structured foods in time, introduce them to pieces, table manners, and teach how to use a spoon and fork correctly, starting from 10 months. Encourage and involve the child to actively use the spoon. 5) The transition to the common table should occur smoothly and naturally: based on the curiosity and expressed interest of the child. If there is no interest, look at points 1, 2 and 3.
Further, in order for the child to easily transition to kindergarten food and eat without problems in kindergarten , you need to cook the same thing at home as in kindergarten.
Therefore, before going to kindergarten, it makes sense to talk about nutrition with teachers and parents who already take their children there, and get the kindergarten menu (there are detailed technologies for preparing each dish on the Internet, you can easily find it if you wish).
A very common situation occurs when a child eats home-cooked food with pleasure, but refuses to eat it in kindergarten.
Firstly, conservatism of tastes plays a role here - it can be difficult for a small child to switch from one type of food to another. This takes time.
Secondly, stressful situations that a child finds himself in during the period of adaptation to kindergarten can also add their 2 cents here. Both of these moments pass after adaptation and the child gets used to eating and being in a group.
And yes, there is one last point I would like to touch on. Never manipulate food: “if you eat in kindergarten, you will be rewarded.” Food is a vital need of the body, and juggling this need looks as strange as the phrase: “If you love me, I’ll give you this and that.” We don’t say that to our children, do we? Food is not a way or means of bribery.
