Psychologist's advice: a child steals and lies

The situation when a child steals money from their parents is widespread. Most children have similar experiences, but this does not mean that such behavior is considered normal. Stealing is a vice, and stealing from your own means disrespecting them and making them doubt their own child. If you stop the developing habit of checking the pockets of loved ones in time, then problems can be avoided in the future.

Why do children steal?

Psychological aspect: why do children steal money from their parents? There are many reasons and most of them are quite justified from the point of view of children's self-awareness:

A child is capable of stealing for good reasons. He wants to give a gift to a loved one or friend, but he does not have the opportunity to make a purchase on his own. The desire to please loved ones overpowers the understanding of committing a bad act. In childhood, moral principles are weak, but desires are quite strong.
When an irresistible desire to get something arises and it is impossible to fight it. If you want a chocolate bar, you put it in your pocket, you need a toy, you quietly hide it under your sweater, and so on. A child can buy something he (seemingly) needs if he has thought through the situation in advance and “borrowed” money from his parents. When a child steals from a store, the psychologist's advice explains this behavior by the inability to control his desires. There is already an understanding of incorrect behavior, but there is no control over it. It is fully formed by the age of 20, and then serious problems with teenagers arise.
The desire to receive an iconic item. This may be something that peers who play an important role in the children's team have. For example, an iPhone or headphones, stylish clothes. This is usually done by teenagers who have low self-esteem. He does not understand that the new thing will not give him any advantages. The child believes that if he has money in his pockets, then this increases his authority. A group of guys gather around him and are ready to take advantage of the opportunity to get cash. But you need to understand that these are not friends, and authority is not bought, but earned by appropriate behavior.
An opportunity to draw attention to one’s own person. In the absence of attention and understanding from parents and loved ones, the child may try to regain their favor using such an unseemly method. It doesn’t matter to him that the reaction to the action will be negative. The main thing is that it exists. It is enough for parents to reconsider their attitude and talk with their daughter or son to change the situation. The child took this step to attract attention. The theft may be a one-time occurrence if the situation in the family changes.
Lack of understanding of the value of money and the role it plays. Children do not always know at what cost and with what effort money is earned, and talking will not help. You need to limit your daughter or son’s spending or offer them to work part-time in their free time so that they put in the effort and come to the realization that money “doesn’t fall from the sky.”
Imitating friends. In the company of peers, the child wants to look “on top” and he obeys the laws of the pack. If others are stealing, then why shouldn’t I try too? His behavior is based on the postulates:

this is what my friends, whom I respect, do;
I know that responsibility for what has been done will be shared between me and others;
I am brave and my friends are not mistaken in my devotion.

Theft is sometimes used as an option for revenge. To punish a peer who has caused a serious offense, he must be deprived of a valuable thing that he especially values.

Important: Negative relationships in the family are quite capable of provoking theft. A friendly atmosphere, absence of shouting, care and attention create a calm environment. The child feels protected, loved, needed, and the possibility of bad behavior is minimized.

Thefts of children of all ages

Preschool age

The definition of “theft” is not entirely correct for preschool children, because there is no criminal motive in their actions. Kids don't steal, but take someone else's things without asking. They take it because they like it. They take it because they want to have it for themselves. They take it because they don’t yet understand that there is “mine” and there is “someone else’s.”

A child can take someone else’s thing if he wants to punish the offender.
Case study: Vanya brought a toy crane to kindergarten. The children asked Vanya to let him play with him, but Vanya refused, even to his best friend Pasha. When Vanya’s mother came to pick him up in the evening, it turned out that the tap was missing from the cabinet. Everyone rushed to look for the loss, but they never found it. The next day it turned out that Pasha had taken the tap from Vanya’s locker when no one was looking. He wanted to punish Vanya for his greed and at the same time play with such a wonderful toy himself.

School age

At school age, objects of theft include writing materials, stickers, and small toys. Most often, children act spontaneously, without thinking about the consequences of their actions and the feelings of the victim.

Case from practice: The teacher gave a task - to make mushrooms from colored paper and cardboard. Olesya made the most beautiful craft - her mother bought self-adhesive colored film and, together with her daughter, painted each mushroom. After the end of the lesson, the children went to the dining room for lunch, and the mushrooms were left on everyone’s desk. Upon returning, Olesya found someone else’s craft on her desk. After Olesya’s investigation, mushrooms were found on the desk of Alena, a girl from a low-income family who had been seen in similar acts more than once.

⠀ Shoplifting is also popular among schoolchildren. In an effort to prove “coolness” and independence, girls and boys steal chewing gum, chocolates, nail polishes, and Kinder surprises.

Theft at school age is often accompanied by lies. Even if the child was caught at the scene of a crime, he will deny his guilt to the last. With the help of lies, children try to avoid fair punishment for their actions.

The lack of pocket money also pushes children to steal: someone secretly takes money from their parents’ wallet, and someone steals a chocolate bar at the checkout in a store. This action is usually driven by a feeling of personal inferiority (“everyone has it, but I don’t”) and the desire to prove one’s importance through the possession of this or that thing.

Adolescence

During adolescence, self-affirmation and the desire to take a place in the group come to the fore for a teenager. Therefore, thefts committed at this age are associated with the acquisition of a “fashionable” item or with the goal of becoming “one of our own” in the company of peers. Teenagers with an underdeveloped volitional sphere and unformed moral principles are more likely to steal.

Also, the reason for theft can be not only an attempt to assert oneself or weak will, but also theft “for company.”

Case from practice: Dasha grew up as an exemplary, calm girl. She studied well and helped her mother around the house. Everything changed when Dasha turned 15 years old. She began to walk at night with a group of peers, lie, and skip classes. The parents were worried that their girl had changed so much, but hoped that it would soon pass. And then, like a bolt from the blue, a call came: Dasha was taken to the police station on suspicion of complicity in car theft. It turned out that a boy from Dasha’s company stole the keys to his stepfather’s garage in order to go for a ride in the car with everyone else. The teenagers climbed into the garage, rolled out the car, and then police officers arrived. An alarm went off in the garage, which the guys forgot to turn off.

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Are you worried that your child has gotten involved with bad company and is getting involved in dangerous things? Dispel your suspicions or make sure they are true and help your child. Download the Where Are My Children application from the AppStore and GooglePlay stores to use the geolocation function or listen to the environment.

What to do if a child steals money from parents: advice from a psychologist

The theft can be committed once, because the child is afraid of losing the love and respect of his parents, does not want to listen to endless long “sermons”, he is afraid of the punishment that follows the act, does not want to lose a holiday gift, and so on. But if one or the second theft went off with a bang and the theft was not followed by punishment, then it will be difficult to stop the little thief.

It is important to know what to do if a loss is discovered, and what absolutely cannot be done:

Do not make threats when talking about the police and prison. The little man understands that he did wrong, but not so much that such a terrible punishment would follow;
do not attach labels that sound like a sentence for life: “you are a thief” or “you are a fraudster”, “this is not my son” and so on. Despite the bad deed, parents must understand his motives and side with the child before labeling him;
do not compare him with negative heroes or difficult teenagers. The child feels bad and continues to perform similar actions. After all, if he has such problems, then he won’t get any better. Another point is that the child again commits a similar act, but more inventively, so as not to get caught;
do not accuse the thief in front of witnesses, be it a school friend, teacher, or relative. This is humiliating and leads to the formation of a certain opinion about this person later. This behavior causes stressful situations and only lowers self-esteem;
do not constantly remember old “feats” left in the past. The child has already lived and experienced the current situation, and he is reminded of it again, making him think that he is bad and pushing him to the next negative step.

Please note: The reaction of adults and children to the price of stolen goods is very different. An adult will brush off stolen candy and be indignant if the phone is missing. For a child, the value of the stolen item does not matter, but the value from his point of view of a particular thing.

A psychologist's advice when a child steals money from his parents and educational measures cease to work is important and useful. But they need not just be listened to, but put into practice. And if the situation has reached a dead end, then a psychologist will help in such matters. For example, psychologist-hypnologist Nikita Valerievich Baturin, who will advise on solving a similar problem.

Explain clearly

More complex cases in situations with teenagers. 12-year-old Andrei started smoking. At first he stole cigarettes from his parents. When this was revealed, he promised that it would not happen again. And he really didn’t touch their cigarettes anymore. He stole money for cigarettes from his grandfather. And a lot at once, so that it lasts for a long time! Of course, in this situation there can be no question of addiction to tobacco. The child smoked occasionally to “keep up with the team.” In this situation, the parents chose the absolutely correct tactics. They not only explained to the child that this was not good, although at his age he already understood this perfectly well and committed a crime quite consciously. He worked off the stolen amount in his father’s store for a month and returned the money he earned to his grandfather. Andrey worked for one summer month, every day for several hours with the exception of weekends, and received a clear idea of how much labor the stolen amount was equivalent to. Over the next 3 years, the incident never happened again.

Thus, there is no need to delve into the jungle of beautiful and pompous phrases. Children perceive visual explanations better and faster.

The most difficult situations in our time can be considered to be those involving teenagers over 14 years of age. These are mostly relapses, when a child caught stealing continues to steal. 16-year-old Kirill is addicted to slot machines. Starting with small amounts, he gradually raised the bar, and as a result, he managed to lose the money he had set aside for his trip to the south. This is despite the fact that his mother hid money from him after the first case of theft. Here we cannot say that the child does not understand the value of money. Each time he purposefully searched the apartment and found hiding places. In his defense, he said that he wanted to return everything after a big win. During the observation process, the facts of thefts were repeated many times, and as a result, it was necessary to resort to the help of not a psychologist, but a psychiatrist. The boy's mother, afraid of publicity, tried to hide her problems from everyone. As a result, the situation worsened. Unfortunately, neither the child nor the parents are able to cope with such addiction on their own.

Don't hope that everything will resolve itself. If you encounter such a problem, seek the help of a specialist. Do not aggravate the situation by constantly “debating” what happened. There is no need to scare a child that he will become a thief and go to prison. Thus, you can hammer this idea into him, as a result of which the child will form complexes.

Here's another example from practice. Nikita (13 years old) stole money from the school locker room. I asked to leave class to go to the toilet, ran to the wardrobe and rummaged through my pockets. As it turned out, the boy read the book “Timur and His Team,” which made a very strong impression on him. He decided to help older people in a modern way - with money. Since there was no extra money at home, the child began to steal.

Theft of children from poor and rich families: is there a difference?

Paradoxically, children in rich families steal more and more often. Since the problem of money is not acute here, parents do not explain to their child that theft is not a positive behavioral trait.

And the child, without remorse, takes money from guests, servants, and relatives. For a long time, no one blames or suspects that banknotes disappear due to the fault of their own children. The daughter or son feels safe. They are confident in parental love and favor, an abundance of money and their own impunity turns into a vice over time.

What to do if a child from a rich family steals? The psychologist's advice is based on a diagnosis of a nervous disorder due to lack of attention, kleptomania, or misunderstanding of the value of banknotes.

Children from poor families observe how carefully their parents distribute and spend the money they earn, how they count “every penny” and usually do not steal from their parents. The risk of exposure is too high, followed by punitive measures. In addition, the child begins to quickly realize the importance of banknotes.

It is much easier for a child from a disadvantaged family to steal a pack of chips, a chocolate bar or cookies from the supermarket. From their point of view, this is not as dangerous as stealing from loved ones. And if the thief does not get caught for a long time, then the thefts will be repeated repeatedly. If he is exposed, then stress and shock will have their effect and the offense may become isolated and will not occur again.

Regardless of social status, children can steal both at home and at school. This is due to several reasons:

How to properly respond to cases of child theft?

If a child brings home someone else's item or toy

Your reaction will depend on the age of the child. There is no point in explaining to a three-year-old child for half an hour how badly he did and how upset Vasya will be when he doesn’t find his car. Talk to an older child alone, without witnesses. Convey to the child the meaning of his action and the possible consequences.
Find out if the child swapped someone else's toy for his own. This practice is widespread among children.
If a toy was brought from a kindergarten group, it should be returned, and the child can later buy the same or similar one. Perhaps this is his long-time dream, and you did not know about it.
If the brought toy or thing is someone else’s, it must be returned to the owner with an apology. It's better to do it one on one.
If your son or daughter does not feel guilty about what they have done, clearly express your position on theft and say that it is unacceptable in your family. If a child repents of his action, draw his attention to the feelings of the injured party, just as a person worries about a stolen item.

If a child stole money

Try to find out why the child needed the money.
If a child has been extorted by elders, do not scold him. The son or daughter is already intimidated. Ask about the situation in detail. If necessary, involve the police.
If a child tries to “appease” classmates by buying them sweets and toys with stolen money, explain that friendship should not be built only on material gain. Offer your child other ways to get the kids to like you - you can invite them to your home or to nature, on a hike, etc.
It often happens that a child steals money to attract the attention of loved ones. Usually the money is immediately found, the parents arrange many hours of proceedings, the child’s goal is achieved - he received his portion, albeit negative, but still attention. If this is your case, don't waste a lot of time on moralizing. Yes, the child committed an unseemly act, but now it is much more important for you to restore the lost relationship with him. Praise your son or daughter more often, spend time together, take an interest in his life. Then cases of theft in your home will stop.
It is important to think through the punishment for the offense together with your child. If a child stole money from a parent’s wallet or at a party and managed to spend it, it means that he is deprived of purchasing the thing he wanted, which his parents had long promised to buy.

Advice from a psychologist: what to do if a child steals and lies?

If a child constantly lies, then there can be no talk of understanding between different generations. This is a sign of fear of being punished or fear of losing parental love, lack of adult attention, and a developed imagination.

A psychologist's advice on how to stop a child from stealing money is not useful if you simply listen to it. The following actions will help save the situation:

try to become not an enemy, but an ally to your child, help him understand the current situation;
there is no need for total control, which will force the baby to lie even more in order to get out from under parental oppression;
teach to see the difference between reality and fiction: the child must understand where fantasy ends and reality begins;
Personal example has a positive effect when the parent does not deceive or make empty promises;
try not to put pressure on the teenager and limit his life to narrow boundaries; he must have a credit of trust in order to feel independent.

Stealing and lying often go hand in hand. This is the result of similar problems in the family or between peers and a signal for parents who should not turn a blind eye to the current situation.

Important: A child should not be punished for telling the truth. It is not so difficult for him to call a spade a spade and repent of his actions. What is important is support and understanding, confidence that he will not be abandoned in a difficult situation, so that he does not have a feeling of insecurity.

What to do if a teenager steals money from their parents? Psychologists advise approaching this problem before it occurs, trying to prevent negative actions. It is during adolescence that parents encounter theft most often.

This is a period when the body changes at the mental and physiological level. In addition, the teenager is highly susceptible to peer influence. Persuasion and “notations” are not relevant at this age; the teenager does not respond to them.

It is advisable for parents to build a trusting relationship with their daughter or son in advance, get to know their social circle, invite friends home and support them in any situation, but at the same time explaining “what is good and what is bad.” This will allow you to tune in to the general wave in the future and learn to understand and accept the child.

Find the reason for the theft

First of all, try to find out the reason that prompted the child to steal. The tactics of influence must be chosen depending on this reason.

And most importantly, be afraid to make mistakes! Even if you are 100% sure that it was your child who stole, simply because there is no one else, remember: if you are not caught, you are not a thief. If you did not witness the theft, never make unfounded accusations. Always give your child the opportunity to confess himself. Help him start talking about this topic, try to prevent the child from experiencing fear of punishment. And especially fear of you!

Germanova Elena consultant: Tabunova Lyubov, psychologist Article provided by the site “Mommies - a site for parents”

How to prevent a teenager from stealing money from their parents: advice from a psychologist

It is easier to prevent any problem than to solve it later. What points should you pay attention to so as not to cry bitter tears in the future? Psychologists advise:

build communication on trust and educate through personal examples, share your own experience;
try to determine the child’s inclinations and choose a hobby for him that will captivate him and take up a significant part of his time;
trust him with household chores and determine the range of daily responsibilities: for example, watering flowers, caring for pets, going grocery shopping;
teach respect for others and their feelings, so that the little person understands that a careless act can cause pain to another;
The child must understand that everyone in the family has personal and favorite things and clearly distinguish between “mine and someone else’s”;
think over the place where the money will be stored so that it does not lie in a visible place, provoking theft;
if the child wants to buy him something that is really necessary and give him funds for small expenses in order to determine the value of his purchases.

The proposed measures do not always prevent thefts, but significantly reduce the risk of their occurrence. If the problem of theft “has not bypassed” the family and the child begins to steal from family and strangers, from peers, in stores, then the help of a specialist is needed, otherwise the consequences can be extremely sad.

Psychologists advise that if a teenager steals and lies, then it is necessary to find contact with your child, which is a difficult moment, to find out the starting point, what the teenager lacks and what provoked him to step “on a slippery slope.”

If the grown-up child repents, then the parents will find options and resolve the issue with minimal losses. There is no need to reproach and punish, you need to work out “escape routes.” For example, return stolen property or partially compensate for damage caused. If you are ashamed, then it is enough to put the stolen item in a place where the owner will find it.

But theft, even if committed once, cannot be ignored. Perhaps this act will not be repeated, but more often a situation of impunity leads to systematic theft. It is difficult to predict and stop, it is difficult to fight, but it is possible to change the situation. The main thing is to find an approach to your child.

Prevention of theft

To avoid unpleasant situations, it would be a good idea to engage in “crime prevention” and anticipate possible cases of theft. First, explain to your child that you should never take money without asking, not even a penny. The wording should be as simple as possible: this is theft, and theft is bad and shameful. Secondly, the child must understand that there is no way to do this unnoticed; they will look for money and find it.

If after a preliminary preventative conversation you have a desire to show your child that you trust him, then you can leave the money in plain sight. But the integrity of the amount must be monitored (naturally, in secret from the child!), so that your words do not run counter to reality. The first experience of impunity can play a negative role in the future.

Even if earlier, when there was not much choice in stores, children stole, then today, when any tray attracts a little person with the variety of goods offered, at prices ranging from 50 kopecks to infinity, it is not worth uncontrollably scattering coppers around the house, thereby giving the child the opportunity to take the first step - to take this “abandoned” money. A case from practice: 6-year-old Maxim’s mother constantly sent him to the bakery for bread, giving the exact amount for one loaf. When the child received change for the first time, he immediately spent it, without permission. When the mother asked why he spent these two rubles, the child began to deny it and say that he was not given change. He confessed only after a scandal and interrogation arranged by his parents. The next time he stole money from his grandmother. When asked why again, the child said that “you can’t go to your parents, they’ll fight.”

Our second mistake: you cannot scold and shame a child. If you cannot explain in an accessible form why stealing is wrong, then next time the child will do the same, but already realizing that he is doing wrong. All children are different, and it is difficult to give general rules of behavior for such situations. It is necessary to proceed from the individual characteristics of the child, because one will be most affected by mother’s tears, another needs a logical justification - “why it’s not good to do this,” and the third should receive serious punishment the first time. And only parents can see what is behind the child’s behavior in this case: misunderstanding, a desire to assert oneself in front of friends, or a desperate attempt to attract the attention of adults, which, unfortunately, is also often found in modern busy families.