Why is a child afraid to be left without his mother?

It’s a strange feeling - there is no love for family. I have a complete family. I live separately from my parents, I have a young man.

“I don’t care how mom, dad and little sister are doing. I sometimes communicate with them out of politeness, but I have no desire to tell them about my affairs.

I’m speaking in general terms: I’m working, everything is fine as always. In a conversation with them, I turn the topic to them and start asking questions myself.

“Their stories seem unbearably boring to me, as if I were communicating with strangers. Indifference.

My relationship with my father was tense - for a long time he was aggressive towards me for no reason, caused pain, and humiliated me morally. My mother loved me, as it seemed to me then, but she did not know how to keep my secrets (for example, my failures or experiences), she told my father everything, and he ridiculed me. One day my father bullied me so much that I had a breakdown.

“I’ve been thinking for a long time about how to save myself from this and suddenly I realized that I had to run so that they wouldn’t have time to catch up. I left home for a man in another city. Silently, without reproaches, with all things, so that no one sees.

With the first phone calls, my mother blackmailed me, saying that they would punish me even more for leaving like that. At such moments, I simply hung up and turned off the phone. I had been afraid all my life, but now I felt safe and under the protection of my man. A couple of months later, I talked to my parents as if nothing had happened, then I came to congratulate them on the holidays. There was no word about what happened. We communicated nicely, politely, with smiles. There were no questions or apologies on their part. This went on for three years.

“The relationship with the man did not work out, we separated. I felt this very acutely - he seemed to me to be my savior, I gave him all the tenderness I had accumulated over many years, which I could not give to my parents.

Now I'm in a relationship with another man. I don’t consider him the best, although I tried to achieve him myself. I don’t have any hostility or irritation towards him, but it’s like I don’t like him. I admit the idea that we might separate, that maybe I’ll even get married and then divorced. And before this thought scared me, I wanted to live in perfect harmony from the first day until the end of my life. He says that I am cold towards him. But I have more feelings for him than for my family.

My sister is generally like a child of another family—a stranger, although I used to spend a lot of time with her and babysit her. Mom says my sister admires me and loves me, but I don't care about that. It seems that I don’t love anyone: neither my mother, nor my father, nor my sister, nor my man. And she's not even in love with anyone else. What should I do?

Before deciding what to do, let's figure out what happened to you and is happening now. You have endured physical and mental abuse from your father for a long time, and you have faced chronic betrayal from your mother. Most of the emotions caused by these circumstances were kept to myself. Mental stress grew for many years, until one day it resulted in a determination to save his integrity. And, as soon as circumstances allowed, a man appeared who showed interest and approached the role of protector. You ran away from under the murderous parental control, in order to certainly avoid face-to-face contact with your parents, which was unbearable - You felt unable to protect your dignity on your own in front of father and mother.

“It seems that the male savior was part of the escape plan that your psyche was latently building. In this case, the passion will not be connected with himself, but with the role he can and is ready to play: a protector, whose attitude is the opposite of his father’s, who will fill the deficit of fatherly love. For this you thanked him with your tenderness. This is not love, but a deal.

But the fact that you are interested in his role, and not in himself, becomes more and more obvious over time, and through all your tender gratitude, your partner inevitably begins to feel that he himself is not interesting, not needed. It is not he who is important, but what he can give. The person simply does not feel loved. I believe this is what caused him to leave. And I believe that this is what savior number two means when he talks about your coldness towards him.

Your parents, as I understood from the letter, quite quickly made your decision to live independently from them.

“It was also nice to read that your mother warmly talks about your younger sister’s attitude towards you: you can feel in this a mother’s desire not to reproach, but to support you on your chosen path. In my opinion, this is a clear recognition, a manifestation of love for you. But you are passionate about distancing yourself from your parents...

There is no sincerity, because there is still a lot of pain, resentment, anger, despair, and sadness in the soul. You keep all this inside yourself and push it away, trying to prevent anything in contact with your parents from catching this giant secret warehouse and, God forbid, something spilling out of it. In fact, you turned away from your parents, blocked your real feelings for them, and therefore stopped feeling close. Hid the pain - lost love. At all. The usual thing. And to your sister, and to men, with whom things won’t work out either until you and your parents open the floodgates. So they are your rescuers and will be with all the ensuing consequences.

But you will stop having formal dialogues with mom and dad, which make you feel sick, and you will begin to express to them what is essential, what is really asking from your soul, what is scary to show and express (what if you again feel like a defenseless, devoted girl), you will remain sincere in any situation, in any reaction (if you want to hug - so hug, to scream - so scream, to cry - so cry, to fight - so fight) - and love will return to you, you will thaw and begin to feel what was missing. And you will give those around you a completely different feeling: warmer and closer.

Have you encountered such a problem?

If this article helped you,

Mom from the room - the baby roars, mother from the house - hysterics. This happens often, and every time, mothers who are attached to their children do not know what to do with these little tails...

Why?

Perhaps this is the age period, or maybe there are negative factors that provoke a feeling of fear and uncertainty in the baby. Therefore, you first need to understand the reasons for this child’s behavior:

There are a lot of moms

One of the most common reasons is that mothers pay a lot of attention to the child, and the baby gets used to living this way. Mom is nearby, which means he is safe. Mom leaves, there are other people nearby - the situation is not standard, which means we must resist it.

Not in the circle of trust

The reason is related to the previous one. If until this time only the mother paid attention to the child, and other relatives did little to deal with the baby, then they found themselves beyond the limits of the child’s trust. He doesn’t know them, so he doesn’t want to stay with them.

Moms are not enough

It seems that the mother pays enough attention to the baby, is nearby, but is constantly distracted by something: a phone, a computer, a tablet, or chatting on Skype. The child experiences a lack of attention, and when his mother plans to leave him for a while, he is indignant.

Separation from mother as punishment

Children may be afraid to be left without their mother if they perceive it as something terrible, as a punishment for something. But this is usually preceded by the actions of the parents. For example, if a mother often tells her child: “If you don’t listen, I’ll leave you!”

Mom's experiences

And it happens that the baby, in principle, does not mind being without his mother, but she herself is so worried and hides her feelings so poorly that the baby is “infected” with this fear and anxiety. As a result, both roar.

Fear of something or someone or feeling unwell

And finally, the baby’s whims when parting do not always mean that he does not want to be left without his mother. The child may be worried about something (tummy, teeth), or he may be afraid of an unfamiliar environment or some detail (even a new coat hanging on a hanger can create discomfort).

Why is a child afraid to be left without his mother?

Starting from the mother's pregnancy, the child is always with the mother. The baby is sure that no matter what happens, she will be there and will be able to help him. Because it has always been like this before, and he hopes that it will be the same in the future. For him, his mother is a stronghold of reliability, as she will protect him from any troubles, provide assistance and will not leave him hungry. After his birth, the baby still remains connected with his mother, even if it is no longer a physical connection, but a deep emotional one.

A normally developed baby will always be happy when his mother appears in his field of vision and will be concerned about her absence. It often turns out that relatives cannot calm the child down, and only one mother can do this with ease. This feeling of attachment is a natural phenomenon, one of the phases of mental development. Initially, the baby perceives his mother as a part of himself, and later as a support, support, without which he will not be able to do anything.

The baby experiences its first fear of being left alone without its mother at the age of seven months. This fear appears on a subconscious level and is quite normal for a child up to three years old. “Normal” does not at all mean that the mother should indulge this fear and, as a result, take the child with her even if it is necessary to leave for 2 minutes. Such fear is an indicator that the child is developing according to age.

From a scientific point of view, this fear has its own explanation. Scientists have proven that when a child is not near his mother, he panics and against this background, the amount of “stress hormone” (cortisone) in his blood increases.

Other experts suggest that the reason for this fear lies in the fact that the baby does not yet have a complete understanding of the time frame and space of the room. He believes that if he does not see his mother, then she has left the apartment for good. And he can take some 5 minutes for an eternity.

The source of children's fear can also be the incorrect behavior of parents in various situations. For example, it can occur if a mother cares too much about her baby, does not give him the opportunity to act independently, or deliberately does not let him go from her. The reason may be the father’s lack of participation in raising the child or his cold attitude towards the child. Also, the baby may be very worried about the divorce of his parents or the disappearance of his father, as this may push him into the fear of losing his mother.

To dispel all the child’s worries before the necessary separation from his mother, it takes time, patience, understanding of the baby, and, of course, kindness and love.

What should I do?

Firstly, do not panic, do not try to forcefully tear the child away from you, and do not yell at him or shame him under any circumstances. Remember, this behavior is typical for children under 3 years old; adult children usually calmly let their mother go. But even if your child is older or if it has become a real problem, everything can be resolved peacefully.

1. If this is due to some fears or poor health of the child, then it is necessary to eliminate the frightening factor (hang a new coat in the closet, help adapt to an unfamiliar place before leaving).
2. If this is a lack of attention from the mother, then you should reconsider your schedule, allocate at least an hour in the daily routine when the mother devotes herself entirely to the baby, is less distracted by modern devices and communicates more face-to-face.
3. If your child perceives separation as punishment, be careful what you say to your child. Read him fairy tales in which the heroes calmly part with their mother (for example, Little Red Riding Hood, Thumbelina), play out situations with dolls and toys.
4. If you yourself are worried, try to hide your emotions, and in general, why worry? You know perfectly well that everything will be fine, you have a wonderful adult child!

A number of actions are required in a situation where a child does not want to be separated from his mother because he does not trust others and feels insecure. In this case, it is necessary to accustom the child to people:

• involve the father in the game (if the baby does not want to play without you, then in your presence), grandmothers and other relatives, so that the child’s social circle expands.
• Visit public places more: shops, museums, theaters, and at least sometimes travel by public transport. A child should not be afraid of other people. It is also better to walk not in isolation, but on the playground, where the baby can meet and play with other children.
• At home, the mother should gradually increase the distance between herself and the baby. To begin with, it can be joint household chores in one place (for example, dusting nearby cabinets), then the mother already wipes the furniture in one room, and gives the baby the task of helping in the kitchen.
• You should not ignore situations when a child himself increases the space: if he is playing in the room, then it is better to leave him alone, peeking from the kitchen.
• As soon as the baby gets used to communicating with dad or other relatives, try leaving them at home alone for a while. At the same time, you should not leave furtively or run away, this can injure the baby, and next time he will not let go of his mother so easily. It’s better to tell the truth: “I’ll go to the store for a while, but I’ll definitely bring you something tasty.”
• Come up with a farewell ritual (rubbing noses together or giving a loud kiss on the cheek or a high five). It will help the child cope with the moment of separation more easily.

And don’t forget to enjoy this moment when your child needs you, when you mean the whole world to him. It won't be long before everything changes! Children grow up so fast!

Of course, every mother enjoys feeling like the most important person for her baby. But the joy quickly disappears when the child begins to follow you with his tail. Agree, if you constantly hold him in your arms (), then there is absolutely no time left for homework and rest. You literally have to run around the house, trying to clean and cook dinner while the baby is sleeping. What should you do if your child won’t let you go even for a second?

Why is this happening?

It would seem that mommy has left and returned many times already. It’s time to get used to it and understand that there is nothing terrible in a short-term separation, but there are still screams and loud roars. The reasons for this behavior are not easy to determine, but once you identify them, you can correct the situation.

• One whole

In the first years of life, the baby actively explores the world, which seems huge, unknown and sometimes frightening to him. He gains new knowledge under the supervision of his beloved mother, who is constantly nearby: both day and night. It is not surprising that only with her the baby begins to feel completely safe, and if she disappears, anxiety appears.

• Signal of trouble

• Fear of loneliness

The baby begins to fear that his mother will not return from the store if the parents use threats as educational methods: “If you don’t stop pinching and biting, I’ll leave you!”

After hearing this phrase several times, he thinks that he is being abandoned because of his bad behavior.

• Mom's anxiety

Since the connection between the child and the mother is strong, the baby feels her anxiety even at a distance and becomes restless himself. He may not understand the cause of your stress (family scandal, financial troubles), but he is firmly convinced that he needs to be with you.

• Lack of attention

It seems like you spend the whole day with the baby, don’t leave the nursery, but he still pulls his hand and constantly reminds you of yourself. This happens because you are close, but not together: you communicate on social networks, chat with a friend on the phone, or watch endless TV series. To attract attention, the child begins to act up.

"Mother's daughter. The child is very attached to his mother

Overcoming excessive attachment

So, we have dealt with the possible sources of children’s reluctance to let their mother go. How to help yourself and your baby?

1. The most important thing is to be patient.
   If you can't distract your child, do homework together. Learn to comment and show everything you do in the kitchen (of course, observing safety precautions) or in the living room. In a few years, your child will become a real helper.
2. Ordinary hide and seek is a useful activity for developing independence in young children, the ability to remain alone and wait for you. Hide close to the child, let him find his mother and rejoice. And he will also understand that nothing terrible happened while you were away.
3. Try to leave your child with relatives more often: father, grandmother or grandfather. The more children come into contact with other adults, the easier it is for them to let go of their mothers.
4. Hug, kiss, caress your baby, play his favorite games. Put your phone and laptop aside, and when your child receives the necessary portion of your attention, he will not need to seek it in “forbidden” ways.
5. Choose a moment when your baby is busy playing and explain that you will leave the room for a while. For example: “Dima, I need to make a cup of tea, I’ll be back soon
   . Soon the baby will get used to the fact that you keep your promise and come back, which means you can try leaving the house.
6. Never go outside secretly, even if you need to leave for a couple of minutes. Imagine the baby’s state when he discovers that you are missing. He will look for you, sob out loud, and when you return, he will not leave a single step.
7. Do not forget that the child reacts sharply to all parental feelings and your sadness before separation may frighten him. Leave and come back with a smile on your face. This will make it easier to resolve this problem.

My 2.4 also cries when I leave... I always explain to him where I am and why, for example - I need to go to the store, I’ll come in 10 minutes and bring you juice, and I calmly leave, he seems to understand, he runs to the window and waves to me on the way, I come and say, why did you cry? he says yes, he did...

Gradually accustom your baby to your absence. Moreover, try not to slip away unnoticed, but to leave, waving your hand at the same time, you can kiss her on the cheek (if she doesn’t grab her with a death grip). Then immediately leave, without talking, right in front of her eyes... You can even leave without any special reason: just stand at the entrance for 10-15 minutes. and come back. Gradually, the intervals of absence need to be increased. But you must always follow the farewell ritual: wave your hand “bye-bye, I’ll be back soon” and leave without looking back. When you leave, then, of course, someone should stay with your daughter. She will certainly cry a lot, and may even be hysterical. Nothing. Never mind. Let the one who stays with her explain that her mother will come soon. And in 10 minutes. look, and you are home again!))) The child should have a stereotype in his head: mom leaves, but she always comes back. The child will cry for several days after you leave. and maybe he will cry and whine for 2-3 weeks. And then it will stop. This process of getting used to the absence of a mother is very difficult and is not easy for both mother and child. But you need to go through this path, because the child will not be able to be with his mother all the time (and vice versa). Start training today and you will see - everything will work out for you! Good luck!

Hello!
This is an age-related feature, a norm of behavior. The child begins to feel that his mother has left forever and will not return, hence the uncontrollable crying. There is also an opinion that the baby himself is afraid to crawl away and get lost. I don’t want to scare you, but the so-called fear of losing your mother goes away in all children at different ages. My daughter only finished this when she was two years old. Some people have it before. The main thing is to continue to explain that mom will come back, mom is nearby, everything is fine, and reassure her in every possible way.
In order for a child to stop following you around and crying as soon as you get out of the car or out of the house, you need to establish a secure attachment with him, it is necessary for the child to calm down and stop being afraid of losing his mother. And to do this, first of all, it is necessary to remove division from the child’s life wherever possible.

When might a child feel separated?

Separate sleep from birth
Early moving to your own room Fear of “hand training” Frequent separations Mom’s detachment, thoughtfulness, “hovering in the clouds” (physically close to the child, but in thoughts far away) Reluctance to talk, ignoring Time-outs (into the room, in the corner) Physical punishment Resentment towards the child, the mother “sulks” Manipulation of love Prohibitions on crying Prohibition on being oneself, non-acceptance The child begins to go to kindergarten The birth of a brother/sister The child is lost and scared Fear of the death of parents Threats of separation (“Mom will leave without you”, “Well and stay here alone”) Threats to give someone away if he behaves badly Spent the summer with his grandmother Divorce of parents Excessive strictness of parents, authoritarianism
This, of course, is not a complete list. Look, analyze. Try to eliminate what you can: for example, stop using separative discipline in parenting, if you use it. It’s great that your child sleeps with you from birth, but this, of course, is not a panacea. Although it really helps to make up for the contact that was missing during the day. Especially if before bed you spend time together, chatting, reading or something else, but the main thing is that it brings you both positive emotions.

READ ALSO:

Do not compare different children, each of them is a separate person with a unique character. But they have a common feature: they equally need parental affection and care, only some less and others more. Don’t be upset if now your baby is overly attached to you and won’t let you go. Soon he will grow up, become more independent, and you will finally have free time.

Don't go, mom! or Why is a child afraid?

Early morning. The clock says seven. We need to get ready for work. I quietly crawl out of my bed, careful not to touch anything in the dark, and make my way to the door from the children’s room... Phew! It seems that she didn’t wake up her daughter. She is 3.5 years old.

As soon as I reach out my hand to the door handle, a desperate cry is heard:

- Don’t go, mom!...

- My baby, mom is here!

- Where are you going? – the shaggy miracle asks suspiciously.

I gently stroke her head and whisper in her ear:

- I'm going to work. Grandma will be with you. I'll come soon! You will go to bed during the day and I will already be home.

Having looked at me seriously, my daughter leans back on the pillow with relief.

This happens almost every morning when I rush to the first shift.

***

Quite often a situation arises when it is sometimes necessary to leave the baby under the care of close relatives, a nanny or a friend as a last resort. And the hardest moment for many is the moment of farewell. The little toddler still doesn’t understand the meaning of time; you can’t tell him the usual phrase “I’ll be there at five.” He also cannot understand why his mother, sweet and dear, suddenly decided to leave him with an unfamiliar grandmother or with this aunt. He also does not understand that parting is not forever.

Why is the child afraid? This is fine?

To reduce the bitterness of forced separation, you first need to know something about child psychology:

Children aged 5-7 months begin to distinguish between their own and strangers in the house: when mom and dad are nearby, they smile at them and reach out, but as soon as a stranger appears, crying and protest begin. And this is a normal phenomenon, indicating that the baby is growing and developing correctly.

Many parents are concerned about how long this will last? Indeed, because of the fear of strangers, visiting a doctor, going to stores, visiting friends, receiving guests at home, and many similar situations when a child comes into contact with society become problematic.

I can answer this way. It all depends on you, the parents, on your communication tactics and on how communicative you are. There are children who, even at 3-5 years old, are afraid of strangers, and there are also those who are not even 1.5 years old, but they are happy to communicate with other adults (if, of course, someone close to the child is nearby).

The child does not let go of his mother

Before a mother decides to leave for an extended period of time, she needs to first prepare her child for such moments.

Parting in the first stages should not last more than 5-10 minutes (depending on the baby’s reaction). First, tell him that you will be in the kitchen, and let him play alone for 5 minutes. The tone should be gentle and calm - let the baby get used to the absence of his mother.

This time can then be increased by asking the grandmother/nanny/friend to sit with the child while the mother prepares dinner. Here the baby learns to interact with an adult who is new to him (if previously the grandmother/nanny/friend did not come often). The baby knows that mom is “there” in the kitchen and he, if anything happens, can call her and she will come (an element of confidence and security).

Then start breaking up on a wider scale . You need to go to a nearby store. Tell your child: “I’ll go get some bread, you play ball with grandma/draw a sun/color a rooster (any activity is offered depending on age). I’ll come when you draw this and that/color this and that”, etc.

Do not indicate the exact time - very young children will not be able to navigate by them. Estimate how much time your baby will need for this activity and try to return on time. You build your child's trust in your words that you will REALLY return to the moment when he finishes this game. Grandmother, for example, can “stretch” the time interval a little. For example, you gave him the task of playing ball. Grandma will invite him to roll it on the floor, throw it up, throw it to each other, jump like a ball, run away from the ball, ride on the ball, etc. - There are many options. And you will just arrive in time with your purchases. Of course, don’t delay your absence yourself!

Having successfully completed these steps, now try going to work . Talk to your child in advance like this: “Mom is going to work. You will be with your grandmother. You get up in the morning, wash your face, brush your teeth, eat. Then you will take a walk, play with your grandmother... and then talk about your favorite games. Then you will eat again and go to bed. When you get up, mom will already be home!” Say this in a calm tone, without a shadow of your own doubt. Under no circumstances should you lament either to the child, or to the grandmother, or even to yourself about how he will be, “poor thing, completely without mommy...” Believe me, the baby subtly senses his mother’s mood. If you yourself are not sure, you are unlikely to achieve that the child will stoically endure separation.

Separately, it is necessary to say about such moments as the reaction to adults at a party, in stores, in a clinic, etc.

The child is afraid of strangers

If a child is afraid of strangers and reacts very painfully to strangers, first, visit public places more often (of course, not during the flu period), only then start visiting.

When meeting with friends, take the baby in your arms, smile at him, name the adult: “This is Uncle Vasya. He helped us fix the car. He is good." in a language the child understands. If you yourself are calm, then the baby will calm down faster. Ask your interlocutor not to touch the baby, not to pester him and not to look closely - often such actions, instead of reciprocal animation on the part of the child, cause the opposite feelings, even fear and tears.

The child is afraid of the doctor

Visits to the clinic can be made less painful if you play “hospital” at home. Buy a children's set of medical instruments. Sew a white robe for a doll or a bear - they will be doctors. Let the child treat himself and apply compresses, apply ointment, and bandage his paws. Of course, you must show him all these actions; without your active participation in the game, it will be difficult for your baby to understand the whole process.

Buy a wonderful book “ Aibolit ” and read it to him.

***

Your interest and active participation in all activities, your calmness and smile will definitely help your baby cope with his fears and soften the severity of separation.

Believe, act - and you will definitely succeed!

We still have many interesting and useful topics! Don't forget to subscribe to RSS!